mmarkey
03-25-04, 08:40 AM
Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever! , because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
She may be your boss someday.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey ...
Well, what do you expect ... Intelligence?
`````````````````````````````````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
And, she's a college grad, Princeton Univ.
````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Well, he is a joke, oops, I mean jock
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
And, he's running the city!
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
Don't gasp, everybody else knew she was president.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
Can you imagine, that jackass is running for congress.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
I believe Yogi Berra said it first. Don't blame Danny.
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
Now you can understand why the Supreme Court made Bush the President.
```````````````````
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"
--George Bush, US President
Can you hear the echoes in the court chambers ... "Oh God what have we done."
``````````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
Well, he can't spell either. Everybody knows Phoenix is in New Mexico.
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
When he ran Ford and Chrysler we drove the biggest gas guzzlers ever.
```````````
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
This guy commanded troops!
````````````````````````````````````````` *
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
Who in the heck is Norman Einstein? He must be Albert's brother.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
Hmmm, where have I heard that before?
````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
Yeah, I can believe that. That's why Hillary said "WE."
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
Reason number two
``````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
Yeah, brilliant observation. This guy is in government or he's a college professor.
```````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
And, we wonder how DYFS looses kids.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
This guy is the CHAIRMAN ... !!!
````````````````````````
...Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to your brilliant friends, as I am doin
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever! , because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
She may be your boss someday.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey ...
Well, what do you expect ... Intelligence?
`````````````````````````````````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
And, she's a college grad, Princeton Univ.
````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Well, he is a joke, oops, I mean jock
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
And, he's running the city!
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
Don't gasp, everybody else knew she was president.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
Can you imagine, that jackass is running for congress.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
I believe Yogi Berra said it first. Don't blame Danny.
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
Now you can understand why the Supreme Court made Bush the President.
```````````````````
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"
--George Bush, US President
Can you hear the echoes in the court chambers ... "Oh God what have we done."
``````````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
Well, he can't spell either. Everybody knows Phoenix is in New Mexico.
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
When he ran Ford and Chrysler we drove the biggest gas guzzlers ever.
```````````
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
This guy commanded troops!
````````````````````````````````````````` *
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
Who in the heck is Norman Einstein? He must be Albert's brother.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
Hmmm, where have I heard that before?
````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
Yeah, I can believe that. That's why Hillary said "WE."
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
Reason number two
``````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
Yeah, brilliant observation. This guy is in government or he's a college professor.
```````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
And, we wonder how DYFS looses kids.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
This guy is the CHAIRMAN ... !!!
````````````````````````
...Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to your brilliant friends, as I am doin