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A Flyfisherman's Christmas

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  • A Flyfisherman's Christmas

    Well its that time of year again when we shop for that favorite fly fisherman (or woman) in our lives.....which typically means shopping for yourself. I've flyfished for forty-plus years and have pretty much acquired every related gadget, geegaw and other assorted sundry accessory related to the craft. With that said, I received my annual copy of the Orvis "Men's" Gift Catalog this past week and quickly surmised that maybe I am not as well outfitted as previously thought. I kicked back and perused the pages with a great bit of interest. My wife heard chuckling coming from the mancave and came to investigate. We shared a laugh as we thumbed through this intriguing catalog and read the "blurbs" that described each item.

    So without further adieu....I offer the Top Ten Most Ridiculously Priced Items from the marketing minions at The Orvis Company:

    Number 10:

    Your very own jar of Balsamic Vinegar for a paltry $79 bones. This is not just any vinegar. This elixir comes from "the oldest vinegar loft in the Modena region of Italy." Perhaps the owners of the loft are little behind on their rent....hence the slightly elevated price.



    Number 9:

    A "Mother Shucker Oyster Knife" for $129 dollars. Now you can be the envy of all your oyster shucking buddies.

    "Shucking oysters will transform from a chore into a conversation starter."

    The conversation should really take off when all your slightly innebriated oyster shucking buddies find out you laid out 129 clams for this thing. Good luck with that.



    Number 8:

    To compliment your recently purchased balsamic vinegar.....no chef should be without the Dafni Greek Unfiltered Olive Oil for a steal of a price of $89 dollars. "This Dafni unfiltered olive oil is from an Orvis-exclusive harvest of olives."

    No thank you! Give me a can of Crisco and call it a day!



    Number 7:

    What fisherman could possibly be without the Leather and Canvas Wastebasket for $249 smackers. This beauty is "highlighted by dark strips of tanned leather and a large, distinctive hand-stitched seam—an ideal accessory for the office or simply your desk at home." I can only imagine what your boss might think when he sees your new $250 dollar garbage can gracing that special corner of your cubicle. Good luck asking for next year's cost-of-living raise.



    Number 6:

    What up-to-date mancave could be without the ubiquitous "Lab and Duck Cheese Board" for a meager $239 bucks. The catalogue states that your "dinner guests will surely note the unique elegance of this handsome solid oak cheese board."

    First of all.....I would be b*#ch slapped if I served my guests some cheese on a board. My guests are looking for something a little more filling like pizza and beer. I dunno....maybe I'm hanging with the wrong "guests"??



    Number 5:

    What cutting edge flyfisherman could be without the Mulholland Latigo™ Leather Bracelet for $598 smackers. As the catalog states "Built upon the spirit of individualism, each leather bracelet will form uniquely to its wearer." So in the spirit of individualism, I would offer a hearty, "are you freakin' crazy!" (Note - edited for profanity).



    Number 4:

    Orvis Man Coasters

    Now these might be the best deal in the catalog and I wouldn't mind having a set of man coasters....still....for $69 dollars....this borders on insanity. The catalog states "forget the old salt-on-napkin trick forever. Make a no-nonsense statement by placing your drink on one of these rough-and-tumble Man Coasters instead."

    I'm gonna choose to make my no-nonsense statement by placing my drink (that would come packaged in a can) in my well-worn rough-and-tumble BassPro Shop coozie and ignoring this purchase....at least this year anyway. Pass me the salt and a paper towel.



    Number 3:

    "A limited-edition timber call hand made by Emery Mitchell of Iverson Duck Calls. There will be only 50 of these handmade duck calls, each made made from aged lignum vitae hardwood salvaged from an old boat yard. No two will be alike. Vintage look and feel with exclusive design, resonance, and tone you won't find anywhere else. A true heirloom-quality call. "

    The Robertson's would have a duck if they saw this!







    Number 2:

    When you open your January Visa credit card statement.....you'll need a place to sit down....so why not rest your buns in this super stylish Tiger Maple Rocking Chair. It can be yours for a rocking $5,500 dollars....and don't forget the $250 dollar shipping and handling fee. Best of all...it comes with a guarantee:

    "Every wood rocking chair is guaranteed to express a delicate balance of artistic flavor and function."




    ....and the Number 1 most ridiculously priced item from the marketing minions at The Orvis Company:

    That would be the Holland & Holland Sidelock Money Clip for a nominal $698 dollars. Orvis says, "Keep your money secure in this handsome silver moneyclip while showing your appreciation for the finer things in life."....provided you have any cheese left after purchasing any of the above mentioned worthless pieces of crap. I suggest keeping your money secure by utilizing a paper clip or rubber band and forget this profanely priced piece of garbage.



    Now I know I missed a few items...in fact this could easily be a Top 50 List. There should deservedly be an honorable mention to the Croots Tweed Shell Bag Price ($279.00) or maybe the Cherry Salad Bowl and Server ($249.00)....or maybe the Custom TearDrop Camping Trailer (29,995.00).

    So here's to a Merry (insert appropriate holiday here....i.e. Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hannakuh, Ramadan....or whatever) to all my beloved NGTO bretheren and hoping you all receive that one special gift that you have always wanted and needed.

    Drifter.....out.
    Last edited by Drifter; 12-05-12, 03:24 PM. Reason: No Top Ten list would be complete without a #3!
    The Drifter

    The contents of this message might be totally inaccurate, misguided or otherwise perverse. If you are stupid enough to follow any of the tips listed here and mess up yourself or your equipment, I am absolved of all responsibility. The information contained herein is based on my personal experience and by no means constitutes the correct way to do it. Your mileage may vary.

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  • #2
    Thanks for the info, but I already own all of those items.
    "Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!" - author unknown

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    • #3
      And come Dec 26 they will all be offered at 50% discount - or more.

      Comment


      • #4
        I was dazzled by the chair, but then thought about the misery of coming down with a severe case of motion-aggravated Curly Maple Overload.

        Want to Help Ease DNR's Budget Woes? Buy a TU license Plate!

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        • #5
          How long did it take you to put together this post?

          Ironically enough, Orvis gets the publicity and the last laugh.

          P.S. Crisco kills.

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          • #6
            Exact reason I boycott their products... High fullutent, money wastin yuppies... I also find it funny they sell all this elite gentleman's fly fishing gear and clothing with a tone that further promotes that fly fisher's are snobs yet some of there stuff is made in China. At least Filson still makes there's in the US and appears to be of quality that will last and might be worth the price. For all those that like Orvis more power to you but I'm not wastin my hard earned money on over priced Chinese made sub-par items. If your gonna spend that money there are much better brands out there.

            Just my 2 cents
            TS
            "There can be no greater issue than that of conservation in this country." - Theodore Roosevelt

            "That old whisky drinking, bluegrass listening, Carhartt wearing, all night roaming rambler he'll always be." Yonder Mountain String Band

            Official GATOR HATER

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            • #7
              Filson gear is 100% worth the price.

              Orvis rods are great.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by fishtacos View Post
                How long did it take you to put together this post?

                Ironically enough, Orvis gets the publicity and the last laugh.

                P.S. Crisco kills.
                a) Time is not an issue with me.

                b) I'm sure that due to this post....Orvis just had a run on Bay Rum.

                c) With all the money I save by not buying this stuff.....I'll be able to afford a heart bypass....or two.

                Happy Holidays to all.
                The Drifter

                The contents of this message might be totally inaccurate, misguided or otherwise perverse. If you are stupid enough to follow any of the tips listed here and mess up yourself or your equipment, I am absolved of all responsibility. The information contained herein is based on my personal experience and by no means constitutes the correct way to do it. Your mileage may vary.

                Follow me on Instagram

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                • #9
                  Splendid post !!

                  Jimmy

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                  • #10
                    Remember that Orvis is a "life style" company, not a fly fishing company. If the blue bloods were not buying their $90 bottles of olive oil, $250 leather trash cans, and $800 money clips, then Orvis fly rods would not exist. I for one look forward to the day that I can afford to buy each and every item above (well, with the possible exception of the oyster shucker).
                    Message sent from your mom's bedroom during pillow talk

                    Buck Henry
                    Simple Goat Herder
                    Former NGTO President
                    Hall of Fame Member

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                    • #11
                      What's number three?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by TroutSniper View Post
                        Exact reason I boycott their products... High fullutent, money wastin yuppies... I also find it funny they sell all this elite gentleman's fly fishing gear and clothing with a tone that further promotes that fly fisher's are snobs yet some of there stuff is made in China. At least Filson still makes there's in the US and appears to be of quality that will last and might be worth the price. For all those that like Orvis more power to you but I'm not wastin my hard earned money on over priced Chinese made sub-par items. If your gonna spend that money there are much better brands out there.

                        Just my 2 cents
                        TS
                        I don't boycott their products but seldom buy anything Orvis except the tippet material and I liked the Generation 3 wonder fly line now the Hydros or Helios lines (I can't keep up) but having said that I most certainly don't worship at the Orvis Alter of Fly Fishing.
                        Also if that crap goes 50% off after Christmas its still about 300% overpriced. This is why I seldom darken the doorway at the Orvis stores
                        "Fly Fishing Is Not A Team Sport"----Tom McGuane

                        The fisherman now is one who defies society, who rips lips, who drains the pool, who takes no prisoners, who is not to be confused with the sissy with the creel and bamboo rod. Granted, he releases what he catches, but in some cases, he strips the quarry of its perilous soul before tossing it back in the water. What was once a trout – cold, hard, spotted and beautiful – becomes “number seven.”
                        Tom McGuane

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by lewdogg View Post
                          What's number three?
                          Good catch Mike. I guess I got caught up in the excitement of all the neat stuff.

                          Let's go with the $300 dollar duck call.
                          The Drifter

                          The contents of this message might be totally inaccurate, misguided or otherwise perverse. If you are stupid enough to follow any of the tips listed here and mess up yourself or your equipment, I am absolved of all responsibility. The information contained herein is based on my personal experience and by no means constitutes the correct way to do it. Your mileage may vary.

                          Follow me on Instagram

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                          • #14
                            Orvis "Stuff"

                            Drifter, as a proud owner of an Orvis leather wastebasket, includeing a jumping trout print affixed to the side, I guess inflation shows. I purchased this in '65 for 15 smackers along with a wicker creel w/ a Chase leather strap for another 35 clams. waste basket didn't hold up too well w/ empty beer cans but the creel has carried some trout and of all things, frogs, gigged on small ponds. Ah, them wuz the good old days, all though showing up for a frog gigging in Gordon Co. with a wicker creel brought about some near fist fights. TRW

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by watkins View Post
                              Drifter, as a proud owner of an Orvis leather wastebasket, ..............I purchased this in '65 for 15 smackers...... TRW
                              You are the man! You should have been an investment banker. I need you to handle my 401k.
                              The Drifter

                              The contents of this message might be totally inaccurate, misguided or otherwise perverse. If you are stupid enough to follow any of the tips listed here and mess up yourself or your equipment, I am absolved of all responsibility. The information contained herein is based on my personal experience and by no means constitutes the correct way to do it. Your mileage may vary.

                              Follow me on Instagram

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